Contributed by Chris Franks from CGuide.com, a writer, professional drummer, and drum teacher who enjoys providing tips and valuable information for online shoppers of drum related products and topics.

So many people want their band to “succeed.” They want to “make it, and make it big.” Sure, that’s all well and good. But some of us just want to waste everyone’s time and take a nose-dive into anonymity. We’re not concerned with success, just the appearance that we’re going somewhere when we actually are headed nowhere with unprecedented speed. Let’s take a look at how to properly fail as a band.

First off, don’t have a vision for where your group is going. Be content with the “we’ll play anywhere, anytime, as long as the money’s good” philosophy. Be perfectly content to play in any local dive that offers you free drinks. Talk a lot amongst yourselves about one day recording a demo and getting representation, but don’t ever, ever follow through. And most importantly, don’t write down any of your band’s goals, much less put a time limit on them. That’s seriously dangerous ground. There’s no stopping you with that stuff.

Next, hire people who just don’t care, hopefully like yourself. They’re very easy to find, and after they’re hired they are extremely flexible about schedule changes. As a matter of fact, they will even initiate them, often at the very last minute. This can be very convenient for those times you’re just not in the mood to practice. These bandmates also won’t be busy working on their skills at their instrument, so you can go to the movies or just hang out with them and relax.

When you do practice as a group, don’t take it too seriously. Don’t worry about the intros or endings of your songs. Have faith that they will work themselves out mysteriously before the next gig. And don’t work on one song more than once or twice. You don’t want to wear them out. Why would they call it “playing” an instrument if it took that much work?

Let’s take a minute to talk about tempo. Feel free to change it from one practice session to the next, and then at the gig just do whatever comes naturally. If you really want to fail properly, never use a metronome. If you can play with a click, you can play with just about anyone and anything, so it’s too risky. If you develop a sense of time and the ability to adjust it appropriately, you’re just begging for success.

Pitch. Make sure the vocalists don’t concern themselves too much with being “on key” and never tell them if they’re flat or sharp. They will find out for themselves, usually at a gig when the audience complains. If you told them in advance and they made a small change, the problem would only disappear, further increasing the likelihood of success. Flat shmat, sharp shmarp. Just sing and let it flow. You’re bound to fall good and hard on your face.

Appearance. One thing that consistently makes a band succeed is charisma. If you look like you’re having fun, the audience will have fun, too. And when they have fun, they love you and will ask you back. Who wants the hassle of repeat performances? Been there, done that. And don’t worry about what you’re going to wear. If you actually dress for something, it looks like you’re serious about it. People pay attention when you’re serious, and that’s the last thing you want if you’re headed toward true anonymity.

Finally, don’t network with other musicians. Once you’ve met with someone else in the business, throw away their card and for heaven’s sake don’t put them in your address book. Don’t even keep an address book. When you’re done working with someone, poison the relationship deliberately and burn that bridge completely. Otherwise, they may send work your way in the future.

Keeping all this in mind, you should be able to waste everyone’s time and go from bad to worse like nobody’s business. And soon business will be the last thing troubling you. These techniques have stood the test of time and have helped thousands of people shatter their dreams of success. Follow them and you’re home free and home-bound. Abandon them, and those dreams stay intact and actually have a good chance of coming true. But who wants success, when failure is so easy?

Here’s to a gig-free, miserable life as a starving artist!